Christmas Time is Here

I feel like Charlie Brown. It just doesn't feel like Christmas this year.

So it's Thanksgiving break & all of my friends are home from school & I LOVE IT. I've missed these guys so much, it's ridiculous. The only thing is that they all have these stories about how awesome their lives are & I don't have anything to add to conversation. I have nothing but work going on & it makes me depressed. I don't have adventures, I don't go to class hungover, I don't go on midnight road trips for the hell of it. I make sandwiches. 

I need to get it together.

I don't know how to handle my friends telling me that they miss me.

Party for One

I'm one hour away from my sixth day alone. At first I was super excited when my mom told me that she & Doug were going to be in Florida & that I would have the house to myself for a week. Then the days moved closer & closer to her departure date, I realized that I would really have the house to myself. Usually whenever they go out of town I just have friends over every night, but this time all of my friends were at school. I've spent my days at work making sandwiches & my nights wondering what I should do, which usually ends up being me sitting around watching television.

I've become one of those really sad people who just hang out with their mother all the time. & the only thing is, that's only when Doug is out of town. I'm alone basically 95% of my time (the other 5% is when I'm at work). I don't like it, but I don't know how to change it. It's hard to meet people when I'm not going to school. I have no reason to go out anywhere. I can't afford to go out anywhere anymore because I have to start paying back my student loans soon. I'm just stuck in this lonely rut & I don't know how to get out of it.

Sarah the Spider Squasher

I am highly afraid of spiders. This isn't a secret. 

When I see a spider, my heart usually stops beating & I look something like this:

So you can imagine how freaked out I was when I saw a spider in the shower the other day. Honest to God, I almost wet myself. It took all of my strength to get some toilet paper & kill that mother trucker. I then spent the rest of my shower looking over my shoulder to make sure a bigger/more terrifying spider hadn't climbed out of the shower head.

After my not so relaxing shower, I calmed down by watching some Arrested Development in my room. This seemed to work, until ANOTHER spider crawled across my bed. I was frozen in fear. I again had to muster up all my courage to get a tissue & squash that effing monster.

A few days went by & I thought that all the spiders had heard of the deaths of their loved ones & hightailed it out of here, but I was mistaken. Tonight as I was watching Project Runway, I saw something move on the living room floor. Thinking it was a piece of fuzz I ignored it. But then it moved again. I looked closer & it was a FREAKING HUGE SPIDER. I threw the remote at it, I threw the body butter at it, I tried smashing it under my cup of ginger ale & nothing worked. That sucker must have been wearing some kind of armor or something because I did everything short of grabbing a tissue & squeezing it between my fingers, which I almost did but when I looked back it was gone.

Honestly, I'm getting tired of all these freakin' spiders thinking that they're the shit & they can just walk around my house like they own the place. I mean, I know I don't personally own the place but I've been living here for 10 years. I have earned my right to walk around like this is my castle & no spider is going to take that away from me. So these spiders better watch their freaky little backs because I WILL black out & I WILL smash them like a sack of potatoes.

Escape 2011: An Awesome Weekend in 140 Characters or Less

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to once again join my friends at the BSU on their fall retreat Escape. I had been looking forward to this weekend for weeks, so I was so stoked that the day had finally come to hop on that bus & head out into God's great creation that is the middle of nowhere. I was so excited that I forgot to bring a very good friend of mine: my phone, Rafael. This realization began the roller coaster that is my range of emotion. At first I had a little panic attack (what if a disaster happened & no one could reach me??), which was followed by a little bit of relief (I could now enjoy the weekend without the distraction of my life back home), which was then followed by a sea of sadness, & then finally the acceptance that there was nothing I could do to change the fact that Rafael could have been left anywhere, from the front seat of Lindsay's car to her fridge. I didn't realize, though, how hard it was going to be for me to not tweet everytime something funny or life changing happened throughout the weekend. So, in an attempt to preserve what sanity I had left, I began to write down what I WOULD HAVE tweeted in my notetaking journal & I am now going to share said "tweets" with all of you.

*AHEM*

#1. I just want to put a Ronald Reagan mask on & hit him in the balls with a baseball bat. **(this one had nothing to do with Escape, it was just something I had said before we left.)

#2. I used to have an iron bladder, but now I can't drink anything without having to pee 5 minutes later.

#3. If you're going to request to have the lights turned off then don't talk once they are.

#4. Filled my water bottle with V8 Splash & now everything is yellow. I'm going to write a very angry letter to Mr. V8 about this.

#5. Left my phone at Lindsay's house, yet I still managed to pack my phone charger.

#6. I hate it when Lindsay tells embarrassing stories about me. It makes me want to punch a baby in the throat.

#7. Been getting a lot of compliments on my Toms. Those 2 hours it took to sew the fabric on were totes worth it.

#8. Just fell in a bush without realizing I was falling. I should really lay off the s'mores.

#9. WHY DIDN'T WE HAVE A POPSICLE EATING CONTEST??? THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN TOO AWESOME!!!

#10. It's so hard to believe that just a year ago I was a vegetarian. How did I survive without my daily serving of bacon??

Fin

So I'm watching Underworld:Evolution on the SyFy channel. I usually don't watch SyFy, mainly because I don't like the crap they show on there. But I decided to make a small exception since I like the Underworld series & I haven't seen Rise of the Lycans (which is on next). This decision has reminded me of why I HATE watching movies on television, especially movies that are rated R. It's hard for me to enjoy a cinematic adventure when it gets interrupted by commercial breaks every 5 minutes. I can't get into the story. Plus they edit it for television which makes the movie totally different than what it is if you were to watch it in the theaters. This whole experience is just highly upsetting. But I'm going to get back to it because it's almost over & I don't want to be lost when I start to watch Rise of the Lycans. Then all of this would be for naught.

Didn't get the job.

Still living on a prayer.

Been on a big The King's Singers kick lately.

 

This has been a favorite of mine for a really long time.

I always listen to it when I go to sleep.

Goodnight.

Sometimes I don't think people realize how harsh they are being when they talk to people.

Maybe try a little empathy or sympathy or any other kind of -pathy that sounds good to you.

Just stop being so harsh.

Sarah Smiles...

I smile like I don’t care. I put on this act that I’m doing fine. I tell everyone that asks me how I’m doing that I’m doing great. I walk around this town like nothing is bothering me, when in reality I am freaking out. I feel like I did when I was four & my mom lost me at the mall. I’m right back at Oak Park Mall, watching the carousel & all of a sudden I realize my mom isn’t next to me. I’m lost in this world. I don’t know what to do.

When people I went to high school with talk about me, they probably say things like, “She was really artsy.” “Kind of an underachiever.” “When she wasn’t in class she was usually doing stuff in the theater or band room.” At least that’s what I like to think they would say about me, considering that is how I viewed my high school career. I didn’t really try that hard, but I put everything I had into the things I was passionate about. & once I felt like something was a lost cause, I threw in the towel & gave up. That’s how I was last year in school. I put my life & soul into Stephens. The people, the buildings, the street noises, even those damn squirrels became a part of who I was. Then all of a sudden it’s all taken away from me. I don’t know if what I’m going through is a midlife crisis or an identity crisis or what, but I feel lost. I got caught up in the bright colors of the world & didn’t realize that it was time to start making big girl decisions. Now the people I went to school with probably say stuff like, “Well, I guess she’s the Mina/Marcus/Cathy Formello of 2010.”  & that’s not a good thing. These people went crazy, started doing drugs, & got knocked up.

So now I’m sitting in Starbucks, fighting with Roxberry Juice’s wii-fi signal because I guess this particular Starbucks doesn’t have wii-fi of their own. I wouldn’t be trying so hard if I didn’t need to start applying for jobs. I would just walk around this shopping center if I didn’t look like a freakish lesbian bum (why did I get my hair cut??). So instead I sit here waiting for the internet to start working while I try to figure out where I can see myself working. I could be a waitress, a sales girl, a barista, anything. It’s just this is not where I wanted to be this year. I’m not ready to be living like this. I don’t even know what to do. I feel so pathetic right now. I feel so unmotivated to go out & get a job because I don’t want to be working right now. I want to be in school. I want to be in Columbia. I want to be a student. I want to be doing something that means something. I don’t want to be making sandwiches or serving coffee or selling shoes or adding whipped topping to a frappucino.

But you can’t always get what you want. Sometimes life gives you lemons & you have to figure out how to make lemonade. Sure, it’s not always fair but it’s life. So I’m going to keep smiling. I’m going to keep saying that I’m doing great. I’m going to be the world’s biggest bull shitter until things turn around. But until that actually happens I’m going to keep smiling like I don’t care.

God Bless the Beatles

I've been on a huge Beatles kick that past few days.

I don't know what it is about them, but their music has been putting me in a better mood.

Typical

So I got my hair cut a couple of weeks ago. My hair used to be pretty long, at least for me. I've never really been patient enough to keep it long because I usually just get frustrated that it's not growing fast enough. Plus it's just  a pain to take care of. So I decided it was time for a change.

I went from this:

To this:

It's a pretty drastic change. It's still getting some getting used to (I still try flipping my hair & it looks like I have a nervous twitch haha). But now I'm pretty sure I just cock-blocked myself. Like, I'm almost positive having short hair is going to put my dreams of ever getting a boyfriend in a blender.
Oh, the cleverness of me!

My grandfather's last funeral was yesterday. It was so beautiful. He was a captain in the Army so we had a military ceremony. This was the first military funeral I had been to. I did a pretty good job of composing myself until the officer handed my grandfather's flag to my grandmother. That was when I lost it. Hearing the words come out of the officer's mouth made it seem official. Hearing him play taps on the horn made it seem final. I couldn't keep it in anymore.

This week has probably been the hardest week I have ever lived through. Going to all of these funerals & visitations & hearing everyone say "My condolences" "I'm sorry for your loss" blah blah blah can just really wear one out. The only thing that kept me going was my Grandma Janet. She is definitely the strongest woman I have ever known. How she is handling this whole thing is so inspiring. I can only imagine how tough this has been on her. But she doesn't show it. She always had a smile on her face when talking to her friends at the visitations. It wasn't the happy kind of smile; it was a strong kind of smile. I don't think I've ever seen a more sincere look on anyone's face than the one she had whenever she would reminisce about my grandpa. It broke my heart to think about how she just lost the love of her life. The reason why I don't think I'm going to get married is because I don't think I will be able to go through what she has had to go through. 

She is my hero for this.

My grandpa is back in the hospital. He checked himself in on Sunday because he hasn't been able to eat anything. At first we thought that he would only be in there for a couple of days, but today we got some news. They found more cancer in his shoulder bone. He's going to be in the hospital for at least 10 more days. My dad told Melynda that we need to start preparing ourselves. I don't know what to do. I have no words to say. I can't breathe. I feel like someone just punched me in the chest with a cement fist. I might vomit. I don't want to lose him. I just went to Iowa with Melynda to visit him 2 weeks ago & it was probably the best/saddest weekend ever. I can't remember the last time I spent so much time with my grandpa. You could tell that he was happy to see his granddaughters, but he was so tired & weak. All we could get him to eat all weekend was a pudding cup, a cup of applesauce, & some Ensure with his medicine. It was unbearable to see him in so much pain. & now this, I just can't handle it. I'm past the point of crying. There aren't enough tears in my eyes to help me through this. God, please be with him. Don't take him from me. Not yet. Please.

Blackbird

I'm a blackbird singing in the trees

No one has ever tamed me

But I would let you try

If only you wanted to

After flying all over this world, you're the one I always come back to

Something in you sings the harmony to my song

Making my solo a beautiful duet

If only you wanted to sing along

I would let you join me

I would let you tame me

If only you wanted to

Back to the Start

My heart broke today. I’m not going to Stephens anymore. This is probably the worst news I could have gotten this summer. Hell, this whole year. I mean, that was the perfect place for me. The size was perfect, the people were great, it felt like home to me. I had friends there that really became family & now I don’t even get to say goodbye. We just can’t afford it financially. I cried so hard after I talked to my mom about it. I didn’t know what else to do. I still don’t know what to do. The tears are still clinging to my eyes, begging to be let go. But I’m not going to let them go. This is how life is sometimes. What seems perfect now may not be perfect in a year, or two years, or how many years it takes for me to move on.  This is worse than any break up or death or divorce I have ever lived through. This is worse because at Stephens I was genuinely happy. I don’t think I can find that kind of happiness again. Where am I going to find friends like the ones I have there? You can’t create a better place for me, except heaven. I feel like when I die, I’m going to walk through the pearly gates & I’m going to be in room 407 Roblee Hall with Rudi & Courtney & Leslie & Carolyn & Dylan & all of my other friends playing the I Love You Game in our room-sized fort. Just thinking about all of the amazing times we had makes me want to break down into tears again, but I refuse to cry in a coffee shop (that’s just a bit to emo/dramatic for me). I just can’t keep myself from thinking how I’m never going to see these people again, even though I know I’m going to go visit them whenever I get the chance. What I need to keep telling myself is that things are going to be ok. Life is going to be ok, it’s going to go on being amazing. I just need to let it be amazing. I’m not saying I need to move on, but maybe I kind of need to. I keep saying that I’m an adult, so maybe I need to start acting like it. I’m going to keep going to school, I’m going to get a job, basically I’m going to get my shit together. Just because my first choice was probably a bad choice doesn’t mean the world is going to end. My broken heart is going to mend with time & someday I’m sure I’ll be able to say that this is the best thing that could have happened to me. It’s just going to take some time.

Now What?

I finished watching The Tudors today. I've been watching the series since the middle of 2nd semester & I am absolutely obsessed with it. Now that it's over I don't know what to do with myself. Like, I actually cried while watching the last episode. I felt so pathetic (still kind of do since it literally just ended & I'm still crying). It's just such an amazing series. I've been interested in the whole Tudor Dynasty since I was in middle school. I read a book series about the women in Henry VIII life & I was obsessed with it. I later read & saw The Other Boleyn Girl in high school (the book is definitely better than the movie, even with Eric Bana as King Henry). So you can understand my excitement when I started to watch The Tudors. I mean, it tells the story of what happened beautifully & the casting is phenomenal (Jonathan Rhys Meyers, anyone?) & the costumes are gorgeous & everything is just breath taking. So what do I do now that it's gone?

I'll probably just start watching it again. Everything is better the second time around anyway.

I MUST Be Dreaming...

STOP THE PRESSES!!! BREAKING NEWS!!!! I HAD A LOVELY TIME BY MYSELF!!!
It's true. I went to the movies by myself today & it was probably the most fun I've ever had (today, anyway. I mean I lead a pretty crazy life). But seriously, I saw Horrible Bosses (which everyone should go see because it's BRILLIANT) & I enjoyed every minute of this solo experience. I just hopped in the car, blasted some The Summer Set (they're the flavor of the week) on the way to the theater, stopped by the BK Lounge & got a cheddar bacon tendercrisp, & had a lovely afternoon by myself. It was great. I love it!! I mean, I just sneak in a lovely sandwich/burger/chicken burrito-bowl & Coke & enjoy a cinematic adventure. I've done this 3 times this summer & every single time it's just been great. You don't have to argue with anybody about what movie to see or share your drink/food or worry about being the only person in your group who laughs... It's a beautiful thing!! I'm becoming more comfortable with myself this summer & it's helping me be ok with being alone. I love it now!! I still enjoy hanging out with my friends, but now I'm ok if I stay home & just crochet while watching something on Netflix or listen to music. I'm still having fun & I don't have to wear real clothes. How perfect is that?!?!  I mean, it's pretty awesome & relaxing.

Never. Ever. Again.

This has been the summer of mistakes for me. No matter how hard I try, I always end up making the wrong decision. I don't know what's the matter with me. I mean, I was talking to this guy & he was really cool. Then with one bad decision I fucked it up. I am so disappointed in myself for letting this happen. I just keep running it all over & over again in my mind & I just keep thinking how stupid I was. That was not me. I am not that girl. I refuse to let myself become that girl. Never again will a night like last night happen to me. Never again.

I'M FREAKING OK!!!

Lately I have been getting irritated with the girls around me. Not because of anything serious, just a little thing really. Yesterday, I had at least 5 people come up to me & ask me this simple question: Are you ok? Seems like a legit thing to ask, right? Only here's the thing: I WAS PERFECTLY FINE!!! There was nothing wrong with me. I was simply sitting there, minding my own business just listening to my ipod. I'm sorry that sometimes I don't smile. There are just times when me smiling feels unnatural. Nobody is supposed to smile 24/7; it's just not normal or healthy. I'm the kind of person that if there is something wrong then you can tell. I'm really just a chill person, with random spurts of loud insanity. Don't just assume that I'm going through something because I'm not acting wild & crazy. I am a normal person who enjoys silent alone time. So I guess what I'm trying to say is STEP OFF.

I Stole a Box of Pokie Sticks. Is That Bad?

When it first began, I thought that STI was going to be the best thing since sliced bread. & it seemed to be a good assumption until about a week & a half ago. Lately I have been cranky, stressed, tired, hungry, impatient, short tempered, & mentally unstable. All of this because of STI. It has been especially bad lately since something happened to one of our company members (who is actually one of my suitemates) & as a result Dan has begun to punish us. He canceled the show that was supposed to be tonight & replaced it with a combat/comedia workshop as well as took away our only day off for the rest of STI. But what really pushed me over the edge is that it's really just the actors being punished. The technicians get tomorrow afternoon off, as well as not having to do a major project that the actors have to do next week. I feel like Dan has been favoring the technicians a lot lately. Now don't get me wrong. I love the technicians. They are all very talented & very hardworking. However, I feel like he has been giving them a lot of credit for working harder than the actors. But the actors have been working just as hard as the technicians. We have been working our asses off since day one. Yet we have to come in and work on 5+ things at once. This is tearing my brain apart. I've had breakdown after breakdown after breakdown because of crap like this. I have been taking shit from my family & friends back home because I have to tell them that I can't come home like I planned because I have class & rehearsal & there just isn't enough time for me to get there. I feel like I have been giving everything my all this entire time & it is never good enough. & it's starting to effect my performances, in class & on the stage. I've been in my room crying for an hour & a half eating a box of pokie sticks (which Dan bought for the company to share) trying to wrap my head around all of this. I can't understand any of it. I'm tired of it. I want to go home.

How Many Licks?

 So today was the first day of STI & it was a FUCKING BLAST!!!! The day started by Maggie & Marie (twin Asian women that are at least in their early 50s) kicking our asses in dance class. Then we went on a little poster run (which was awesome!!) & had a wee bit o lunch. Performance Techniques, acting, & stage combat soon followed, which brought us to the end of the day at 9 PM (& that's us getting out early). So for the past hour or so a few of us girls have been chillin' in the lobby of Roblee doing our homework. I was shocked when I finished my homework in less than an hour. So now I'm working on my little play for our children's theatre performance. Dan cast me as the Hooting Owl & I was surprised at first as well as a little bit disappointed. I had no idea how I was going to be a wisdomous owl (& yes, wisdomous is a word). Then I realized that I could have fun with it. After spending some time brainstorming, I've decided that I'm going to combine Big Mama from the Fox & the Hound & the Tootsie Pop owl. It's going to be totally awesome! I cannot wait to start working on this show.

 

I've been going through a lot lately. I haven't been making the right decisions in my life and I've come to the conclusion it is because I have yet to realize that I have to grow up. Throughout my life there has always been someone there to knock me upside the head (figuratively, of course) & help me get my shit together. But now those people are gone. I only have myself to fix my mistakes. Yes, I still have these peoples' support. But their support is all they can offer. I was talking with some friends yesterday about how in high school every time I was late to class or struggling with a certain subject or having a family crisis I could go to my theatre teacher & he would help me through it all. Now I'm in college & he's teaching at a different school. Rackers can't hold my hand & help me get shit done anymore. All he can do is give me support & advice & hope to God that I don't fuck anything up. That's all anyone can really do now. It's up to me to make things right, to make decisions (whether they be the right or wrong one), & to live my life.

Absolutely Obsessed

I want to see this movie. So. Freakin'. Bad.

Goodbye, Cruel World!!

I am convinced that I am having a stroke right now. The entire right side of my face is in PAIN. I am going to be completely surprised if I make it to see another day. The saddest thing about all of this is I have barely begun to live!! I will never have a teacup pig!! I will never get to ride my hipster bike!! I will never get to make out with Jack Barakat!! I will never get to eat another bacon cheeseburger from Red Robin!! I will never get to fall in love!! I will never get to drink another Coca-Cola!! I will never get to punch Rebecca Black in the face!! I will never find out what happens on How I Met Your Mother!! I will never get to break into the zoo & free all the penguins!! I will never get to win America's Next Top Model!! I will never get to make a sex tape with James Franco!! I will never get drunk and get a tramp stamp of Pikachu smoking a pipe!!

Ok, I'm done being over dramatic. I'm going to take some Nyquil & go to sleep. Good night.

When you put a 'D' at the end of 'fine', you're not fine.

Still sick. When I hear myself speak, all I hear is the random 'D's I add to words. 

Then I think of this clip.

The rant of a sick girl.

I am sick. I woke up yesterday with a sore, dry throat & a horrible cough. The pain is unbearable, so of course I want to go to the nurse & figure out what I can do to, I dunno, MAKE THE PAIN STOP. But of course I call in & the nurse isn't even there. She's not going to be there until Monday. So now I have to wait until 2:30 so I can go to the clinic at MU. I'm glad that I get to actually go to the doctor, unlike all the other times I've been sick this year. It just makes me SO UPSET that I can't go to the nurse here. I've found that she is completely unreliable as a nurse. I need a nurse that can be there when I need her & doesn't automatically assume that my illness is a sign of pregnancy. Maybe this makes me picky, but I know what I like in a doctor & one of the things is someone that is actually there. 

Now I guess it's time for me to go back to bed with my tissues.

 

Ummm.... Hello???

I bought A Clockwork Orange the other day. I was so excited; I love the movie as well as the book & have been dying to own at least one of them for quite a while. So you can understand my disappointment when I opened the box today only to find that I bought a special features disk & a download code. A DOWNLOAD CODE!!! Turns out with this particular copy, I HAVE download the film off of Itunes. Excuse me?? What ever happened to good old fashioned DVDs?? I don't own an Iphone, Ipod, or Ipad so what would I want a digital copy for?? If I want to watch a movie, I don't want to HAVE watch it on my computer. I would love to have options. I'm pretty sure we have an amendment about having options. So thank you, Warner Bros., for taking away one of my rights as an American citizen.

There goes my hero.

I found out that my grandpa has cancer today. Just out of nowhere my dad called me up & told me. I was in complete shock. Hell, I'm still in complete shock. How could this be happening? My grandpa is the strongest man that I know. At the age of 77 he is still driving around East Jesus Nowhere Iowa in his El Camino fixing farm equipment & renting out places & all that jazz. I've only seen him cry once (it was at my graduation). How could this be happening? This man is my hero. He started treatment a few days ago & they say he's doing fine. But I want him to be doing more than fine. I want him to be better. I want my grandpa back to the way he was.

Mean Reds

Today is one of those days when I am in a weird mood and haven't the slightest idea why. I never really know what to do on days like this accept to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's. For some reason it makes it better.

All dogs go to heaven... Right?

My fish died yesterday. It was probably the worst thing that could have happened. Rudi & I had been worried about him because he stopped eating. We did all that we could to try & make him feel more like his old self, but nothing worked. So I went to feed him before class & couldn't find him anywhere. Then I looked at the bottom of the bowl. He was lying at the foot of his shark statue.

 {A picture of Fiesta after moving to our new home}

After an hour of sobbing/wailing/convulsing in the floor like I was being attacked with the Cruciatus curse, I started to wonder: do pets go to heaven? I mean everyone says that they do, but is it true? Or is it something parents tell their kids so they'll get over the loss of their pets? I can't handle the thought of never seeing Fiesta again. He was one of the few things that got me through my first semester in college. I want to believe that God wouldn't put these animals in our lives and take them away for all eternity. We all have our own room in His mansion in Heaven & I want to think that all our deceased pets will be there to join us.

But what if they're not?

Total dick, party of one.

I am the biggest dick in the world. I got Zach a card & some chocolates for Valentine's Day, expecting nothing in return. All night I was trying to think of when I could give him his gift without being completely awkward. But, of course, that was too much to ask from myself. As we were leaving Culver's I handed it to him & everyone saw. I don't know what I was thinking would happen, all I know is that I felt awful. I'm pretty sure Zach thought I was expecting something in return, which is far from the truth. All I wanted to do was get him something nice for V-Day & now he feels obligated to get me something. I just feel like a total douche for ever thinking that this was an ok thing to do.

Best friends forever? Or just for now?

I was at dinner today when I saw a good friend of mine walking to her table. I've been friends with this girl for a few years & when I decided to come to Stephens she was overjoyed. She swore that we would hang out all the time & that we would have the time of our lives together. But when we made eye contact, neither of us went to talk to the other. We  didn't even smile at each other. We ignored the fact that the incident even happened. & that's what got me wondering if we are even considered friends by the world's standards.

What happened between my friend & me today is not a unique situation. College does this to people. Everyone says that they are going to stay BFFs until the end of time, but as soon as the last diploma is given at graduation & everyone goes their separate ways things change. It's a fact of life. Some friends stick around for the whole show, others get up & leave at intermission. I have a friend that I have known since we were four year olds at Wednesday night church services & we talk everyday. Tonight's dinner was bound to happen eventually & I just need to not let it get to me. I have so many new friends now the I don't know what to do with myself.

Things are going to be ok. I'm going to be ok.

Rage Against the Machine

Costuming & Makeup is going to be the death of me. I can sew really well when doing it by hand. But when it comes to sewing with a machine I become totally dense & mentally shut down. The past few days in that class have been absolute torture. When Cynda explains to the class how to do a certain stitch, I pay so much attention you would think I was trying to blow up her sewing machine using Jedi mind powers. I'll think I will be able to do it without any help... Then she tells us to try it on our own & everything that she just said evaporates into thin air. My friends Danielle & Cheyenne have had to help me with everything we have to do because I simply cannot get it. It's a miracle to me that my machine hasn't burst into flames by now. After I'm done with this class, you better believe that I will never & I mean NEVER use another sewing machine as long as I live.

WINE MAN!!!!

I have been so out of it today. It was practically impossible for me to fall asleep last night, so that combined with the cold medicine that I've been taking has been making me a wee bit loopy. Like instead of going to my costume class, I decided to take a nap. But halfway up the ladder to my bed, I decided that it was much too high & not worth the effort to take a few more steps so I pulled down my blankets, pillow, & Snuggles Bear & fell asleep in the middle of my room on the floor.

Then tonight at dinner, I was enjoying my cornflakes & Coke icee with my fellow cast mates when I came up with probably the most ridiculous/AWESOME!! superhero ever. We were talking about the whereabouts of our friend, Danielle Wineman, & I thought aloud, "You know what an awesome superhero would be? Wine Man. He could fight crime by shooting wine from his fingertips to make his nemeses drunk & he would exclaim 'You know what sounds like fun? Sitting in a cage!' & he would take them to prison. It's brilliant!" Everyone at the table broke out in laughter & I was just as calm as can be. The idea of this superhero seemed absolutely flawless to me. I was amazed that no one had already created him.I kept pondering about how awesome Wine Man could be. I even thought up his arch nemesis: Prohibition Man. I am seriously considering writing a comic book or graphic novel about the adventures of Wine Man in my free time (after the show is over, of course). I'm just afraid that Wine Man's amazingness is the product of too much cold medicine & once I regain my health I will lose interest in this goal. Hopefully, Wine Man will stay with me & will someday become the real deal.

Good for you, Timer!

Today was the last of our snow days, & I spent it like a final snow day should be spent: I slept in until noon & sat around the dorm all day. Things that I needed to get done got done like cleaning the water in my fish's bowl, washing my dishes, doing my homework from three days ago, taking a shower, & other normal things that a person should do all the time.

After a while of just sitting around at my desk, Rudi (the roomie) & I decided that it's time to venture out into the world & get some grub. All day we've been craving some good ol' fashioned Thai food & we were dead set on getting some for dinner. As we were about to get ready for our little adventure into the chilly world that is Columbia, Missouri our dear friend Dylan Shelofsky stopped by to see if we wanted to get some dinner. We told her our plan to get some scrumptious food & she was overjoyed to join us.

It was quite a long & chilly walk to Bangkok Gardens. Dylan showed us a shortcut, which was much appreciated, & we got there in record time. We were seated in the balcony & it took us no time at all to realize what we were going to eat. I got some delicious tofu with pineapple, red & green bell peppers, carrots, & onions & a ginger beer. Everything was so delicious I didn't want to stop eating. & when we thought we couldn't eat anymore food, we decided to split some sticky rice. It was some of the best food I have had in a long time.

Once we finished our lovely meal & even lovelier conversation, we bundled back up & headed back to campus. We frolicked through the side streets not really caring to look to see if there was any ice on the sidewalk. This proved to be a bit of a problem for Rudi, because as we continued down Cherry Street she slipped on some black ice. It all happened in slow motion & the only thing that Dylan & I could think to do was to reach out to help her & say something along the lines of Uhhhh!! Unfortunately, neither of these things assisted Rudi & she fell to the ground. Luckily she was unharmed. When we finally got to Broadway, we did not feel like waiting for the GO!! symbol at the crosswalk, so we decided to run across the street & yell random noises like it would stop any cars from hitting us.

Today was an all around good day. It has gone by in such a wierd way, like not too fast but not too slow. It's like spending the day in limbo. & it just keeps going & going like the Energizer Bunny. & what I came to realize was that I have more fun when I do things sponaneously than when I plan things out. It's because when things don't go according to plan, you get bummed out & it's hard to jump back onto the happy wagon. I think from now on I"m going to just let things happen naturally instead of trying to plan things out, step by step. It's going to make things so much easier & a lot more fun.

So Lucky

I have the best roommate EVER. I haven't been feeling well the past few days & I spent the day going all over frozen Columbia looking for an open doctor's office, but alas they were all closed. My sister ended up taking me back to the BSU, where I took a nice cat nap in the middle of the library. When I woke up, I checked my facebook & I found this lovely video on my wall.

This is my favorite song (at the moment) & Rudi put it there to make me feel better. Then when I got home from my long journey, she told me that there was a sandwich in the fridge waiting for me. She made me a sandwich! & I must say it is quite delicious; I am eating it as we speak. It's little things like these that make me so happy that I have such an AH!-mazing roommate like Rudi.

Everybody Wants to Be a Cat

Today was the first snow day at school. This is a big deal because Stephens hasn't canceled class in ages (or at least 5 years). We spent most of the day doing homework & watching the snow fall while relaxing in our room-sized fort that we built last night. 

 When we finally decided it was time to get some dinner, the group of us bundled up and and departed for Stamper. As we devoured our meals, we discussed all sorts of strange topics. The first one was what animals we would be. It was decided that Dylan would be a duck, I would be like the Geico Gecko, Rudi would be a red panda, & so on. Then we somehow ended up on what Sesame Street characters we would be. Danielle was Cookie/Veggie Monster, Rudi the Count, Courtney was Elmo, Dylan was Zoe, & I was Grover just to name a few. This went on for quite a while.

 After sitting in the cafeteria for about an hour, we decided that it was time to make the journey back to Roblee. Once we stripped off our layers, we decided that it was high time to watch a good movie. Our first choice was Paris, je'Taime but alas it kept skipping. But from what we saw, we all enjoyed it. When we took it out, we exchanged it for The Aristocats (which is one of my favorite Disney movies). 

 As we enjoyed the movie, we discussed which is better: cats or dogs. I noticed that most of us chose cats over dogs & my guys friends chose dogs over cats. I wonder if, as men & women, we are genetically programed to think this way or if it's just by chance. If that is the case, then how am I going to find a guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with if he doesn't want a cat?