Back to the Start

My heart broke today. I’m not going to Stephens anymore. This is probably the worst news I could have gotten this summer. Hell, this whole year. I mean, that was the perfect place for me. The size was perfect, the people were great, it felt like home to me. I had friends there that really became family & now I don’t even get to say goodbye. We just can’t afford it financially. I cried so hard after I talked to my mom about it. I didn’t know what else to do. I still don’t know what to do. The tears are still clinging to my eyes, begging to be let go. But I’m not going to let them go. This is how life is sometimes. What seems perfect now may not be perfect in a year, or two years, or how many years it takes for me to move on.  This is worse than any break up or death or divorce I have ever lived through. This is worse because at Stephens I was genuinely happy. I don’t think I can find that kind of happiness again. Where am I going to find friends like the ones I have there? You can’t create a better place for me, except heaven. I feel like when I die, I’m going to walk through the pearly gates & I’m going to be in room 407 Roblee Hall with Rudi & Courtney & Leslie & Carolyn & Dylan & all of my other friends playing the I Love You Game in our room-sized fort. Just thinking about all of the amazing times we had makes me want to break down into tears again, but I refuse to cry in a coffee shop (that’s just a bit to emo/dramatic for me). I just can’t keep myself from thinking how I’m never going to see these people again, even though I know I’m going to go visit them whenever I get the chance. What I need to keep telling myself is that things are going to be ok. Life is going to be ok, it’s going to go on being amazing. I just need to let it be amazing. I’m not saying I need to move on, but maybe I kind of need to. I keep saying that I’m an adult, so maybe I need to start acting like it. I’m going to keep going to school, I’m going to get a job, basically I’m going to get my shit together. Just because my first choice was probably a bad choice doesn’t mean the world is going to end. My broken heart is going to mend with time & someday I’m sure I’ll be able to say that this is the best thing that could have happened to me. It’s just going to take some time.