I smile like I don’t care. I put on this act that I’m doing fine. I tell everyone that asks me how I’m doing that I’m doing great. I walk around this town like nothing is bothering me, when in reality I am freaking out. I feel like I did when I was four & my mom lost me at the mall. I’m right back at Oak Park Mall, watching the carousel & all of a sudden I realize my mom isn’t next to me. I’m lost in this world. I don’t know what to do.
When people I went to high school with talk about me, they probably say things like, “She was really artsy.” “Kind of an underachiever.” “When she wasn’t in class she was usually doing stuff in the theater or band room.” At least that’s what I like to think they would say about me, considering that is how I viewed my high school career. I didn’t really try that hard, but I put everything I had into the things I was passionate about. & once I felt like something was a lost cause, I threw in the towel & gave up. That’s how I was last year in school. I put my life & soul into Stephens. The people, the buildings, the street noises, even those damn squirrels became a part of who I was. Then all of a sudden it’s all taken away from me. I don’t know if what I’m going through is a midlife crisis or an identity crisis or what, but I feel lost. I got caught up in the bright colors of the world & didn’t realize that it was time to start making big girl decisions. Now the people I went to school with probably say stuff like, “Well, I guess she’s the Mina/Marcus/Cathy Formello of 2010.” & that’s not a good thing. These people went crazy, started doing drugs, & got knocked up.
So now I’m sitting in Starbucks, fighting with Roxberry Juice’s wii-fi signal because I guess this particular Starbucks doesn’t have wii-fi of their own. I wouldn’t be trying so hard if I didn’t need to start applying for jobs. I would just walk around this shopping center if I didn’t look like a freakish lesbian bum (why did I get my hair cut??). So instead I sit here waiting for the internet to start working while I try to figure out where I can see myself working. I could be a waitress, a sales girl, a barista, anything. It’s just this is not where I wanted to be this year. I’m not ready to be living like this. I don’t even know what to do. I feel so pathetic right now. I feel so unmotivated to go out & get a job because I don’t want to be working right now. I want to be in school. I want to be in Columbia. I want to be a student. I want to be doing something that means something. I don’t want to be making sandwiches or serving coffee or selling shoes or adding whipped topping to a frappucino.
But you can’t always get what you want. Sometimes life gives you lemons & you have to figure out how to make lemonade. Sure, it’s not always fair but it’s life. So I’m going to keep smiling. I’m going to keep saying that I’m doing great. I’m going to be the world’s biggest bull shitter until things turn around. But until that actually happens I’m going to keep smiling like I don’t care.
You are such an inspiration to me. You have such great enthusiasm and seem so wise for your age. You are so strong for enduring everything you have gone through thus far, and I am intrigued to see where your life takes you. You seem to have that drive for those things that you are passionate about, and I'm sure one of those things will carry you far in life! Perhaps this new hair cut (which I love by the way) is just the first way to lift some of the weight off your shoulders, and this is a sign of a new beginning.
ReplyDeleteLove your blog! Write on!!