Sometimes I don't think people realize how harsh they are being when they talk to people.

Maybe try a little empathy or sympathy or any other kind of -pathy that sounds good to you.

Just stop being so harsh.

Sarah Smiles...

I smile like I don’t care. I put on this act that I’m doing fine. I tell everyone that asks me how I’m doing that I’m doing great. I walk around this town like nothing is bothering me, when in reality I am freaking out. I feel like I did when I was four & my mom lost me at the mall. I’m right back at Oak Park Mall, watching the carousel & all of a sudden I realize my mom isn’t next to me. I’m lost in this world. I don’t know what to do.

When people I went to high school with talk about me, they probably say things like, “She was really artsy.” “Kind of an underachiever.” “When she wasn’t in class she was usually doing stuff in the theater or band room.” At least that’s what I like to think they would say about me, considering that is how I viewed my high school career. I didn’t really try that hard, but I put everything I had into the things I was passionate about. & once I felt like something was a lost cause, I threw in the towel & gave up. That’s how I was last year in school. I put my life & soul into Stephens. The people, the buildings, the street noises, even those damn squirrels became a part of who I was. Then all of a sudden it’s all taken away from me. I don’t know if what I’m going through is a midlife crisis or an identity crisis or what, but I feel lost. I got caught up in the bright colors of the world & didn’t realize that it was time to start making big girl decisions. Now the people I went to school with probably say stuff like, “Well, I guess she’s the Mina/Marcus/Cathy Formello of 2010.”  & that’s not a good thing. These people went crazy, started doing drugs, & got knocked up.

So now I’m sitting in Starbucks, fighting with Roxberry Juice’s wii-fi signal because I guess this particular Starbucks doesn’t have wii-fi of their own. I wouldn’t be trying so hard if I didn’t need to start applying for jobs. I would just walk around this shopping center if I didn’t look like a freakish lesbian bum (why did I get my hair cut??). So instead I sit here waiting for the internet to start working while I try to figure out where I can see myself working. I could be a waitress, a sales girl, a barista, anything. It’s just this is not where I wanted to be this year. I’m not ready to be living like this. I don’t even know what to do. I feel so pathetic right now. I feel so unmotivated to go out & get a job because I don’t want to be working right now. I want to be in school. I want to be in Columbia. I want to be a student. I want to be doing something that means something. I don’t want to be making sandwiches or serving coffee or selling shoes or adding whipped topping to a frappucino.

But you can’t always get what you want. Sometimes life gives you lemons & you have to figure out how to make lemonade. Sure, it’s not always fair but it’s life. So I’m going to keep smiling. I’m going to keep saying that I’m doing great. I’m going to be the world’s biggest bull shitter until things turn around. But until that actually happens I’m going to keep smiling like I don’t care.

God Bless the Beatles

I've been on a huge Beatles kick that past few days.

I don't know what it is about them, but their music has been putting me in a better mood.

Typical

So I got my hair cut a couple of weeks ago. My hair used to be pretty long, at least for me. I've never really been patient enough to keep it long because I usually just get frustrated that it's not growing fast enough. Plus it's just  a pain to take care of. So I decided it was time for a change.

I went from this:

To this:

It's a pretty drastic change. It's still getting some getting used to (I still try flipping my hair & it looks like I have a nervous twitch haha). But now I'm pretty sure I just cock-blocked myself. Like, I'm almost positive having short hair is going to put my dreams of ever getting a boyfriend in a blender.
Oh, the cleverness of me!

My grandfather's last funeral was yesterday. It was so beautiful. He was a captain in the Army so we had a military ceremony. This was the first military funeral I had been to. I did a pretty good job of composing myself until the officer handed my grandfather's flag to my grandmother. That was when I lost it. Hearing the words come out of the officer's mouth made it seem official. Hearing him play taps on the horn made it seem final. I couldn't keep it in anymore.

This week has probably been the hardest week I have ever lived through. Going to all of these funerals & visitations & hearing everyone say "My condolences" "I'm sorry for your loss" blah blah blah can just really wear one out. The only thing that kept me going was my Grandma Janet. She is definitely the strongest woman I have ever known. How she is handling this whole thing is so inspiring. I can only imagine how tough this has been on her. But she doesn't show it. She always had a smile on her face when talking to her friends at the visitations. It wasn't the happy kind of smile; it was a strong kind of smile. I don't think I've ever seen a more sincere look on anyone's face than the one she had whenever she would reminisce about my grandpa. It broke my heart to think about how she just lost the love of her life. The reason why I don't think I'm going to get married is because I don't think I will be able to go through what she has had to go through. 

She is my hero for this.