My grandpa is back in the hospital. He checked himself in on Sunday because he hasn't been able to eat anything. At first we thought that he would only be in there for a couple of days, but today we got some news. They found more cancer in his shoulder bone. He's going to be in the hospital for at least 10 more days. My dad told Melynda that we need to start preparing ourselves. I don't know what to do. I have no words to say. I can't breathe. I feel like someone just punched me in the chest with a cement fist. I might vomit. I don't want to lose him. I just went to Iowa with Melynda to visit him 2 weeks ago & it was probably the best/saddest weekend ever. I can't remember the last time I spent so much time with my grandpa. You could tell that he was happy to see his granddaughters, but he was so tired & weak. All we could get him to eat all weekend was a pudding cup, a cup of applesauce, & some Ensure with his medicine. It was unbearable to see him in so much pain. & now this, I just can't handle it. I'm past the point of crying. There aren't enough tears in my eyes to help me through this. God, please be with him. Don't take him from me. Not yet. Please.

Blackbird

I'm a blackbird singing in the trees

No one has ever tamed me

But I would let you try

If only you wanted to

After flying all over this world, you're the one I always come back to

Something in you sings the harmony to my song

Making my solo a beautiful duet

If only you wanted to sing along

I would let you join me

I would let you tame me

If only you wanted to

Back to the Start

My heart broke today. I’m not going to Stephens anymore. This is probably the worst news I could have gotten this summer. Hell, this whole year. I mean, that was the perfect place for me. The size was perfect, the people were great, it felt like home to me. I had friends there that really became family & now I don’t even get to say goodbye. We just can’t afford it financially. I cried so hard after I talked to my mom about it. I didn’t know what else to do. I still don’t know what to do. The tears are still clinging to my eyes, begging to be let go. But I’m not going to let them go. This is how life is sometimes. What seems perfect now may not be perfect in a year, or two years, or how many years it takes for me to move on.  This is worse than any break up or death or divorce I have ever lived through. This is worse because at Stephens I was genuinely happy. I don’t think I can find that kind of happiness again. Where am I going to find friends like the ones I have there? You can’t create a better place for me, except heaven. I feel like when I die, I’m going to walk through the pearly gates & I’m going to be in room 407 Roblee Hall with Rudi & Courtney & Leslie & Carolyn & Dylan & all of my other friends playing the I Love You Game in our room-sized fort. Just thinking about all of the amazing times we had makes me want to break down into tears again, but I refuse to cry in a coffee shop (that’s just a bit to emo/dramatic for me). I just can’t keep myself from thinking how I’m never going to see these people again, even though I know I’m going to go visit them whenever I get the chance. What I need to keep telling myself is that things are going to be ok. Life is going to be ok, it’s going to go on being amazing. I just need to let it be amazing. I’m not saying I need to move on, but maybe I kind of need to. I keep saying that I’m an adult, so maybe I need to start acting like it. I’m going to keep going to school, I’m going to get a job, basically I’m going to get my shit together. Just because my first choice was probably a bad choice doesn’t mean the world is going to end. My broken heart is going to mend with time & someday I’m sure I’ll be able to say that this is the best thing that could have happened to me. It’s just going to take some time.

Now What?

I finished watching The Tudors today. I've been watching the series since the middle of 2nd semester & I am absolutely obsessed with it. Now that it's over I don't know what to do with myself. Like, I actually cried while watching the last episode. I felt so pathetic (still kind of do since it literally just ended & I'm still crying). It's just such an amazing series. I've been interested in the whole Tudor Dynasty since I was in middle school. I read a book series about the women in Henry VIII life & I was obsessed with it. I later read & saw The Other Boleyn Girl in high school (the book is definitely better than the movie, even with Eric Bana as King Henry). So you can understand my excitement when I started to watch The Tudors. I mean, it tells the story of what happened beautifully & the casting is phenomenal (Jonathan Rhys Meyers, anyone?) & the costumes are gorgeous & everything is just breath taking. So what do I do now that it's gone?

I'll probably just start watching it again. Everything is better the second time around anyway.

I MUST Be Dreaming...

STOP THE PRESSES!!! BREAKING NEWS!!!! I HAD A LOVELY TIME BY MYSELF!!!
It's true. I went to the movies by myself today & it was probably the most fun I've ever had (today, anyway. I mean I lead a pretty crazy life). But seriously, I saw Horrible Bosses (which everyone should go see because it's BRILLIANT) & I enjoyed every minute of this solo experience. I just hopped in the car, blasted some The Summer Set (they're the flavor of the week) on the way to the theater, stopped by the BK Lounge & got a cheddar bacon tendercrisp, & had a lovely afternoon by myself. It was great. I love it!! I mean, I just sneak in a lovely sandwich/burger/chicken burrito-bowl & Coke & enjoy a cinematic adventure. I've done this 3 times this summer & every single time it's just been great. You don't have to argue with anybody about what movie to see or share your drink/food or worry about being the only person in your group who laughs... It's a beautiful thing!! I'm becoming more comfortable with myself this summer & it's helping me be ok with being alone. I love it now!! I still enjoy hanging out with my friends, but now I'm ok if I stay home & just crochet while watching something on Netflix or listen to music. I'm still having fun & I don't have to wear real clothes. How perfect is that?!?!  I mean, it's pretty awesome & relaxing.