Blackbird

I'm a blackbird singing in the trees

No one has ever tamed me

But I would let you try

If only you wanted to

After flying all over this world, you're the one I always come back to

Something in you sings the harmony to my song

Making my solo a beautiful duet

If only you wanted to sing along

I would let you join me

I would let you tame me

If only you wanted to

Back to the Start

My heart broke today. I’m not going to Stephens anymore. This is probably the worst news I could have gotten this summer. Hell, this whole year. I mean, that was the perfect place for me. The size was perfect, the people were great, it felt like home to me. I had friends there that really became family & now I don’t even get to say goodbye. We just can’t afford it financially. I cried so hard after I talked to my mom about it. I didn’t know what else to do. I still don’t know what to do. The tears are still clinging to my eyes, begging to be let go. But I’m not going to let them go. This is how life is sometimes. What seems perfect now may not be perfect in a year, or two years, or how many years it takes for me to move on.  This is worse than any break up or death or divorce I have ever lived through. This is worse because at Stephens I was genuinely happy. I don’t think I can find that kind of happiness again. Where am I going to find friends like the ones I have there? You can’t create a better place for me, except heaven. I feel like when I die, I’m going to walk through the pearly gates & I’m going to be in room 407 Roblee Hall with Rudi & Courtney & Leslie & Carolyn & Dylan & all of my other friends playing the I Love You Game in our room-sized fort. Just thinking about all of the amazing times we had makes me want to break down into tears again, but I refuse to cry in a coffee shop (that’s just a bit to emo/dramatic for me). I just can’t keep myself from thinking how I’m never going to see these people again, even though I know I’m going to go visit them whenever I get the chance. What I need to keep telling myself is that things are going to be ok. Life is going to be ok, it’s going to go on being amazing. I just need to let it be amazing. I’m not saying I need to move on, but maybe I kind of need to. I keep saying that I’m an adult, so maybe I need to start acting like it. I’m going to keep going to school, I’m going to get a job, basically I’m going to get my shit together. Just because my first choice was probably a bad choice doesn’t mean the world is going to end. My broken heart is going to mend with time & someday I’m sure I’ll be able to say that this is the best thing that could have happened to me. It’s just going to take some time.

Now What?

I finished watching The Tudors today. I've been watching the series since the middle of 2nd semester & I am absolutely obsessed with it. Now that it's over I don't know what to do with myself. Like, I actually cried while watching the last episode. I felt so pathetic (still kind of do since it literally just ended & I'm still crying). It's just such an amazing series. I've been interested in the whole Tudor Dynasty since I was in middle school. I read a book series about the women in Henry VIII life & I was obsessed with it. I later read & saw The Other Boleyn Girl in high school (the book is definitely better than the movie, even with Eric Bana as King Henry). So you can understand my excitement when I started to watch The Tudors. I mean, it tells the story of what happened beautifully & the casting is phenomenal (Jonathan Rhys Meyers, anyone?) & the costumes are gorgeous & everything is just breath taking. So what do I do now that it's gone?

I'll probably just start watching it again. Everything is better the second time around anyway.

I MUST Be Dreaming...

STOP THE PRESSES!!! BREAKING NEWS!!!! I HAD A LOVELY TIME BY MYSELF!!!
It's true. I went to the movies by myself today & it was probably the most fun I've ever had (today, anyway. I mean I lead a pretty crazy life). But seriously, I saw Horrible Bosses (which everyone should go see because it's BRILLIANT) & I enjoyed every minute of this solo experience. I just hopped in the car, blasted some The Summer Set (they're the flavor of the week) on the way to the theater, stopped by the BK Lounge & got a cheddar bacon tendercrisp, & had a lovely afternoon by myself. It was great. I love it!! I mean, I just sneak in a lovely sandwich/burger/chicken burrito-bowl & Coke & enjoy a cinematic adventure. I've done this 3 times this summer & every single time it's just been great. You don't have to argue with anybody about what movie to see or share your drink/food or worry about being the only person in your group who laughs... It's a beautiful thing!! I'm becoming more comfortable with myself this summer & it's helping me be ok with being alone. I love it now!! I still enjoy hanging out with my friends, but now I'm ok if I stay home & just crochet while watching something on Netflix or listen to music. I'm still having fun & I don't have to wear real clothes. How perfect is that?!?!  I mean, it's pretty awesome & relaxing.

Never. Ever. Again.

This has been the summer of mistakes for me. No matter how hard I try, I always end up making the wrong decision. I don't know what's the matter with me. I mean, I was talking to this guy & he was really cool. Then with one bad decision I fucked it up. I am so disappointed in myself for letting this happen. I just keep running it all over & over again in my mind & I just keep thinking how stupid I was. That was not me. I am not that girl. I refuse to let myself become that girl. Never again will a night like last night happen to me. Never again.

I'M FREAKING OK!!!

Lately I have been getting irritated with the girls around me. Not because of anything serious, just a little thing really. Yesterday, I had at least 5 people come up to me & ask me this simple question: Are you ok? Seems like a legit thing to ask, right? Only here's the thing: I WAS PERFECTLY FINE!!! There was nothing wrong with me. I was simply sitting there, minding my own business just listening to my ipod. I'm sorry that sometimes I don't smile. There are just times when me smiling feels unnatural. Nobody is supposed to smile 24/7; it's just not normal or healthy. I'm the kind of person that if there is something wrong then you can tell. I'm really just a chill person, with random spurts of loud insanity. Don't just assume that I'm going through something because I'm not acting wild & crazy. I am a normal person who enjoys silent alone time. So I guess what I'm trying to say is STEP OFF.

I Stole a Box of Pokie Sticks. Is That Bad?

When it first began, I thought that STI was going to be the best thing since sliced bread. & it seemed to be a good assumption until about a week & a half ago. Lately I have been cranky, stressed, tired, hungry, impatient, short tempered, & mentally unstable. All of this because of STI. It has been especially bad lately since something happened to one of our company members (who is actually one of my suitemates) & as a result Dan has begun to punish us. He canceled the show that was supposed to be tonight & replaced it with a combat/comedia workshop as well as took away our only day off for the rest of STI. But what really pushed me over the edge is that it's really just the actors being punished. The technicians get tomorrow afternoon off, as well as not having to do a major project that the actors have to do next week. I feel like Dan has been favoring the technicians a lot lately. Now don't get me wrong. I love the technicians. They are all very talented & very hardworking. However, I feel like he has been giving them a lot of credit for working harder than the actors. But the actors have been working just as hard as the technicians. We have been working our asses off since day one. Yet we have to come in and work on 5+ things at once. This is tearing my brain apart. I've had breakdown after breakdown after breakdown because of crap like this. I have been taking shit from my family & friends back home because I have to tell them that I can't come home like I planned because I have class & rehearsal & there just isn't enough time for me to get there. I feel like I have been giving everything my all this entire time & it is never good enough. & it's starting to effect my performances, in class & on the stage. I've been in my room crying for an hour & a half eating a box of pokie sticks (which Dan bought for the company to share) trying to wrap my head around all of this. I can't understand any of it. I'm tired of it. I want to go home.