Fab Ab February

I have recently been going through a lot. I'm stuck at a dead end job so I can pay my student loans, trying to look at schools but not sure where to start since I don't know what I want to do, & everyday is a struggle to not run out of the house screaming when my sister talks about her wedding.

But all of this is about to change.

Everyone knows the show The Biggest Loser. Well I've started watching this season & it is so inspiring. These people are grabbing life by the horns & saying, "This is not what I want for my life, I'm going to change it." & they do!

So I've decided to do the same thing.

I'm not saying my goal is to lose weight, I'm just going to get my body into shape again. I'm starting to run a mile everyday & I found this wonderful chart on Pinterest called Fab Ab February that gives you a small workout for everyday that gradually increases throughout the month. I know that it's only the first day of February, but I already feel better. I know that it's going to take more to get my life back to where I want it, but why not start by getting in shape?

Christmas Time is Here

I feel like Charlie Brown. It just doesn't feel like Christmas this year.

So it's Thanksgiving break & all of my friends are home from school & I LOVE IT. I've missed these guys so much, it's ridiculous. The only thing is that they all have these stories about how awesome their lives are & I don't have anything to add to conversation. I have nothing but work going on & it makes me depressed. I don't have adventures, I don't go to class hungover, I don't go on midnight road trips for the hell of it. I make sandwiches. 

I need to get it together.

I don't know how to handle my friends telling me that they miss me.

Party for One

I'm one hour away from my sixth day alone. At first I was super excited when my mom told me that she & Doug were going to be in Florida & that I would have the house to myself for a week. Then the days moved closer & closer to her departure date, I realized that I would really have the house to myself. Usually whenever they go out of town I just have friends over every night, but this time all of my friends were at school. I've spent my days at work making sandwiches & my nights wondering what I should do, which usually ends up being me sitting around watching television.

I've become one of those really sad people who just hang out with their mother all the time. & the only thing is, that's only when Doug is out of town. I'm alone basically 95% of my time (the other 5% is when I'm at work). I don't like it, but I don't know how to change it. It's hard to meet people when I'm not going to school. I have no reason to go out anywhere. I can't afford to go out anywhere anymore because I have to start paying back my student loans soon. I'm just stuck in this lonely rut & I don't know how to get out of it.

Sarah the Spider Squasher

I am highly afraid of spiders. This isn't a secret. 

When I see a spider, my heart usually stops beating & I look something like this:

So you can imagine how freaked out I was when I saw a spider in the shower the other day. Honest to God, I almost wet myself. It took all of my strength to get some toilet paper & kill that mother trucker. I then spent the rest of my shower looking over my shoulder to make sure a bigger/more terrifying spider hadn't climbed out of the shower head.

After my not so relaxing shower, I calmed down by watching some Arrested Development in my room. This seemed to work, until ANOTHER spider crawled across my bed. I was frozen in fear. I again had to muster up all my courage to get a tissue & squash that effing monster.

A few days went by & I thought that all the spiders had heard of the deaths of their loved ones & hightailed it out of here, but I was mistaken. Tonight as I was watching Project Runway, I saw something move on the living room floor. Thinking it was a piece of fuzz I ignored it. But then it moved again. I looked closer & it was a FREAKING HUGE SPIDER. I threw the remote at it, I threw the body butter at it, I tried smashing it under my cup of ginger ale & nothing worked. That sucker must have been wearing some kind of armor or something because I did everything short of grabbing a tissue & squeezing it between my fingers, which I almost did but when I looked back it was gone.

Honestly, I'm getting tired of all these freakin' spiders thinking that they're the shit & they can just walk around my house like they own the place. I mean, I know I don't personally own the place but I've been living here for 10 years. I have earned my right to walk around like this is my castle & no spider is going to take that away from me. So these spiders better watch their freaky little backs because I WILL black out & I WILL smash them like a sack of potatoes.

Escape 2011: An Awesome Weekend in 140 Characters or Less

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to once again join my friends at the BSU on their fall retreat Escape. I had been looking forward to this weekend for weeks, so I was so stoked that the day had finally come to hop on that bus & head out into God's great creation that is the middle of nowhere. I was so excited that I forgot to bring a very good friend of mine: my phone, Rafael. This realization began the roller coaster that is my range of emotion. At first I had a little panic attack (what if a disaster happened & no one could reach me??), which was followed by a little bit of relief (I could now enjoy the weekend without the distraction of my life back home), which was then followed by a sea of sadness, & then finally the acceptance that there was nothing I could do to change the fact that Rafael could have been left anywhere, from the front seat of Lindsay's car to her fridge. I didn't realize, though, how hard it was going to be for me to not tweet everytime something funny or life changing happened throughout the weekend. So, in an attempt to preserve what sanity I had left, I began to write down what I WOULD HAVE tweeted in my notetaking journal & I am now going to share said "tweets" with all of you.

*AHEM*

#1. I just want to put a Ronald Reagan mask on & hit him in the balls with a baseball bat. **(this one had nothing to do with Escape, it was just something I had said before we left.)

#2. I used to have an iron bladder, but now I can't drink anything without having to pee 5 minutes later.

#3. If you're going to request to have the lights turned off then don't talk once they are.

#4. Filled my water bottle with V8 Splash & now everything is yellow. I'm going to write a very angry letter to Mr. V8 about this.

#5. Left my phone at Lindsay's house, yet I still managed to pack my phone charger.

#6. I hate it when Lindsay tells embarrassing stories about me. It makes me want to punch a baby in the throat.

#7. Been getting a lot of compliments on my Toms. Those 2 hours it took to sew the fabric on were totes worth it.

#8. Just fell in a bush without realizing I was falling. I should really lay off the s'mores.

#9. WHY DIDN'T WE HAVE A POPSICLE EATING CONTEST??? THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN TOO AWESOME!!!

#10. It's so hard to believe that just a year ago I was a vegetarian. How did I survive without my daily serving of bacon??

Fin

So I'm watching Underworld:Evolution on the SyFy channel. I usually don't watch SyFy, mainly because I don't like the crap they show on there. But I decided to make a small exception since I like the Underworld series & I haven't seen Rise of the Lycans (which is on next). This decision has reminded me of why I HATE watching movies on television, especially movies that are rated R. It's hard for me to enjoy a cinematic adventure when it gets interrupted by commercial breaks every 5 minutes. I can't get into the story. Plus they edit it for television which makes the movie totally different than what it is if you were to watch it in the theaters. This whole experience is just highly upsetting. But I'm going to get back to it because it's almost over & I don't want to be lost when I start to watch Rise of the Lycans. Then all of this would be for naught.

Didn't get the job.

Still living on a prayer.

Been on a big The King's Singers kick lately.

 

This has been a favorite of mine for a really long time.

I always listen to it when I go to sleep.

Goodnight.

Sometimes I don't think people realize how harsh they are being when they talk to people.

Maybe try a little empathy or sympathy or any other kind of -pathy that sounds good to you.

Just stop being so harsh.

Sarah Smiles...

I smile like I don’t care. I put on this act that I’m doing fine. I tell everyone that asks me how I’m doing that I’m doing great. I walk around this town like nothing is bothering me, when in reality I am freaking out. I feel like I did when I was four & my mom lost me at the mall. I’m right back at Oak Park Mall, watching the carousel & all of a sudden I realize my mom isn’t next to me. I’m lost in this world. I don’t know what to do.

When people I went to high school with talk about me, they probably say things like, “She was really artsy.” “Kind of an underachiever.” “When she wasn’t in class she was usually doing stuff in the theater or band room.” At least that’s what I like to think they would say about me, considering that is how I viewed my high school career. I didn’t really try that hard, but I put everything I had into the things I was passionate about. & once I felt like something was a lost cause, I threw in the towel & gave up. That’s how I was last year in school. I put my life & soul into Stephens. The people, the buildings, the street noises, even those damn squirrels became a part of who I was. Then all of a sudden it’s all taken away from me. I don’t know if what I’m going through is a midlife crisis or an identity crisis or what, but I feel lost. I got caught up in the bright colors of the world & didn’t realize that it was time to start making big girl decisions. Now the people I went to school with probably say stuff like, “Well, I guess she’s the Mina/Marcus/Cathy Formello of 2010.”  & that’s not a good thing. These people went crazy, started doing drugs, & got knocked up.

So now I’m sitting in Starbucks, fighting with Roxberry Juice’s wii-fi signal because I guess this particular Starbucks doesn’t have wii-fi of their own. I wouldn’t be trying so hard if I didn’t need to start applying for jobs. I would just walk around this shopping center if I didn’t look like a freakish lesbian bum (why did I get my hair cut??). So instead I sit here waiting for the internet to start working while I try to figure out where I can see myself working. I could be a waitress, a sales girl, a barista, anything. It’s just this is not where I wanted to be this year. I’m not ready to be living like this. I don’t even know what to do. I feel so pathetic right now. I feel so unmotivated to go out & get a job because I don’t want to be working right now. I want to be in school. I want to be in Columbia. I want to be a student. I want to be doing something that means something. I don’t want to be making sandwiches or serving coffee or selling shoes or adding whipped topping to a frappucino.

But you can’t always get what you want. Sometimes life gives you lemons & you have to figure out how to make lemonade. Sure, it’s not always fair but it’s life. So I’m going to keep smiling. I’m going to keep saying that I’m doing great. I’m going to be the world’s biggest bull shitter until things turn around. But until that actually happens I’m going to keep smiling like I don’t care.

God Bless the Beatles

I've been on a huge Beatles kick that past few days.

I don't know what it is about them, but their music has been putting me in a better mood.

Typical

So I got my hair cut a couple of weeks ago. My hair used to be pretty long, at least for me. I've never really been patient enough to keep it long because I usually just get frustrated that it's not growing fast enough. Plus it's just  a pain to take care of. So I decided it was time for a change.

I went from this:

To this:

It's a pretty drastic change. It's still getting some getting used to (I still try flipping my hair & it looks like I have a nervous twitch haha). But now I'm pretty sure I just cock-blocked myself. Like, I'm almost positive having short hair is going to put my dreams of ever getting a boyfriend in a blender.
Oh, the cleverness of me!

My grandfather's last funeral was yesterday. It was so beautiful. He was a captain in the Army so we had a military ceremony. This was the first military funeral I had been to. I did a pretty good job of composing myself until the officer handed my grandfather's flag to my grandmother. That was when I lost it. Hearing the words come out of the officer's mouth made it seem official. Hearing him play taps on the horn made it seem final. I couldn't keep it in anymore.

This week has probably been the hardest week I have ever lived through. Going to all of these funerals & visitations & hearing everyone say "My condolences" "I'm sorry for your loss" blah blah blah can just really wear one out. The only thing that kept me going was my Grandma Janet. She is definitely the strongest woman I have ever known. How she is handling this whole thing is so inspiring. I can only imagine how tough this has been on her. But she doesn't show it. She always had a smile on her face when talking to her friends at the visitations. It wasn't the happy kind of smile; it was a strong kind of smile. I don't think I've ever seen a more sincere look on anyone's face than the one she had whenever she would reminisce about my grandpa. It broke my heart to think about how she just lost the love of her life. The reason why I don't think I'm going to get married is because I don't think I will be able to go through what she has had to go through. 

She is my hero for this.

My grandpa is back in the hospital. He checked himself in on Sunday because he hasn't been able to eat anything. At first we thought that he would only be in there for a couple of days, but today we got some news. They found more cancer in his shoulder bone. He's going to be in the hospital for at least 10 more days. My dad told Melynda that we need to start preparing ourselves. I don't know what to do. I have no words to say. I can't breathe. I feel like someone just punched me in the chest with a cement fist. I might vomit. I don't want to lose him. I just went to Iowa with Melynda to visit him 2 weeks ago & it was probably the best/saddest weekend ever. I can't remember the last time I spent so much time with my grandpa. You could tell that he was happy to see his granddaughters, but he was so tired & weak. All we could get him to eat all weekend was a pudding cup, a cup of applesauce, & some Ensure with his medicine. It was unbearable to see him in so much pain. & now this, I just can't handle it. I'm past the point of crying. There aren't enough tears in my eyes to help me through this. God, please be with him. Don't take him from me. Not yet. Please.

Blackbird

I'm a blackbird singing in the trees

No one has ever tamed me

But I would let you try

If only you wanted to

After flying all over this world, you're the one I always come back to

Something in you sings the harmony to my song

Making my solo a beautiful duet

If only you wanted to sing along

I would let you join me

I would let you tame me

If only you wanted to

Back to the Start

My heart broke today. I’m not going to Stephens anymore. This is probably the worst news I could have gotten this summer. Hell, this whole year. I mean, that was the perfect place for me. The size was perfect, the people were great, it felt like home to me. I had friends there that really became family & now I don’t even get to say goodbye. We just can’t afford it financially. I cried so hard after I talked to my mom about it. I didn’t know what else to do. I still don’t know what to do. The tears are still clinging to my eyes, begging to be let go. But I’m not going to let them go. This is how life is sometimes. What seems perfect now may not be perfect in a year, or two years, or how many years it takes for me to move on.  This is worse than any break up or death or divorce I have ever lived through. This is worse because at Stephens I was genuinely happy. I don’t think I can find that kind of happiness again. Where am I going to find friends like the ones I have there? You can’t create a better place for me, except heaven. I feel like when I die, I’m going to walk through the pearly gates & I’m going to be in room 407 Roblee Hall with Rudi & Courtney & Leslie & Carolyn & Dylan & all of my other friends playing the I Love You Game in our room-sized fort. Just thinking about all of the amazing times we had makes me want to break down into tears again, but I refuse to cry in a coffee shop (that’s just a bit to emo/dramatic for me). I just can’t keep myself from thinking how I’m never going to see these people again, even though I know I’m going to go visit them whenever I get the chance. What I need to keep telling myself is that things are going to be ok. Life is going to be ok, it’s going to go on being amazing. I just need to let it be amazing. I’m not saying I need to move on, but maybe I kind of need to. I keep saying that I’m an adult, so maybe I need to start acting like it. I’m going to keep going to school, I’m going to get a job, basically I’m going to get my shit together. Just because my first choice was probably a bad choice doesn’t mean the world is going to end. My broken heart is going to mend with time & someday I’m sure I’ll be able to say that this is the best thing that could have happened to me. It’s just going to take some time.

Now What?

I finished watching The Tudors today. I've been watching the series since the middle of 2nd semester & I am absolutely obsessed with it. Now that it's over I don't know what to do with myself. Like, I actually cried while watching the last episode. I felt so pathetic (still kind of do since it literally just ended & I'm still crying). It's just such an amazing series. I've been interested in the whole Tudor Dynasty since I was in middle school. I read a book series about the women in Henry VIII life & I was obsessed with it. I later read & saw The Other Boleyn Girl in high school (the book is definitely better than the movie, even with Eric Bana as King Henry). So you can understand my excitement when I started to watch The Tudors. I mean, it tells the story of what happened beautifully & the casting is phenomenal (Jonathan Rhys Meyers, anyone?) & the costumes are gorgeous & everything is just breath taking. So what do I do now that it's gone?

I'll probably just start watching it again. Everything is better the second time around anyway.

I MUST Be Dreaming...

STOP THE PRESSES!!! BREAKING NEWS!!!! I HAD A LOVELY TIME BY MYSELF!!!
It's true. I went to the movies by myself today & it was probably the most fun I've ever had (today, anyway. I mean I lead a pretty crazy life). But seriously, I saw Horrible Bosses (which everyone should go see because it's BRILLIANT) & I enjoyed every minute of this solo experience. I just hopped in the car, blasted some The Summer Set (they're the flavor of the week) on the way to the theater, stopped by the BK Lounge & got a cheddar bacon tendercrisp, & had a lovely afternoon by myself. It was great. I love it!! I mean, I just sneak in a lovely sandwich/burger/chicken burrito-bowl & Coke & enjoy a cinematic adventure. I've done this 3 times this summer & every single time it's just been great. You don't have to argue with anybody about what movie to see or share your drink/food or worry about being the only person in your group who laughs... It's a beautiful thing!! I'm becoming more comfortable with myself this summer & it's helping me be ok with being alone. I love it now!! I still enjoy hanging out with my friends, but now I'm ok if I stay home & just crochet while watching something on Netflix or listen to music. I'm still having fun & I don't have to wear real clothes. How perfect is that?!?!  I mean, it's pretty awesome & relaxing.

Never. Ever. Again.

This has been the summer of mistakes for me. No matter how hard I try, I always end up making the wrong decision. I don't know what's the matter with me. I mean, I was talking to this guy & he was really cool. Then with one bad decision I fucked it up. I am so disappointed in myself for letting this happen. I just keep running it all over & over again in my mind & I just keep thinking how stupid I was. That was not me. I am not that girl. I refuse to let myself become that girl. Never again will a night like last night happen to me. Never again.