Never. Ever. Again.

This has been the summer of mistakes for me. No matter how hard I try, I always end up making the wrong decision. I don't know what's the matter with me. I mean, I was talking to this guy & he was really cool. Then with one bad decision I fucked it up. I am so disappointed in myself for letting this happen. I just keep running it all over & over again in my mind & I just keep thinking how stupid I was. That was not me. I am not that girl. I refuse to let myself become that girl. Never again will a night like last night happen to me. Never again.

I'M FREAKING OK!!!

Lately I have been getting irritated with the girls around me. Not because of anything serious, just a little thing really. Yesterday, I had at least 5 people come up to me & ask me this simple question: Are you ok? Seems like a legit thing to ask, right? Only here's the thing: I WAS PERFECTLY FINE!!! There was nothing wrong with me. I was simply sitting there, minding my own business just listening to my ipod. I'm sorry that sometimes I don't smile. There are just times when me smiling feels unnatural. Nobody is supposed to smile 24/7; it's just not normal or healthy. I'm the kind of person that if there is something wrong then you can tell. I'm really just a chill person, with random spurts of loud insanity. Don't just assume that I'm going through something because I'm not acting wild & crazy. I am a normal person who enjoys silent alone time. So I guess what I'm trying to say is STEP OFF.

I Stole a Box of Pokie Sticks. Is That Bad?

When it first began, I thought that STI was going to be the best thing since sliced bread. & it seemed to be a good assumption until about a week & a half ago. Lately I have been cranky, stressed, tired, hungry, impatient, short tempered, & mentally unstable. All of this because of STI. It has been especially bad lately since something happened to one of our company members (who is actually one of my suitemates) & as a result Dan has begun to punish us. He canceled the show that was supposed to be tonight & replaced it with a combat/comedia workshop as well as took away our only day off for the rest of STI. But what really pushed me over the edge is that it's really just the actors being punished. The technicians get tomorrow afternoon off, as well as not having to do a major project that the actors have to do next week. I feel like Dan has been favoring the technicians a lot lately. Now don't get me wrong. I love the technicians. They are all very talented & very hardworking. However, I feel like he has been giving them a lot of credit for working harder than the actors. But the actors have been working just as hard as the technicians. We have been working our asses off since day one. Yet we have to come in and work on 5+ things at once. This is tearing my brain apart. I've had breakdown after breakdown after breakdown because of crap like this. I have been taking shit from my family & friends back home because I have to tell them that I can't come home like I planned because I have class & rehearsal & there just isn't enough time for me to get there. I feel like I have been giving everything my all this entire time & it is never good enough. & it's starting to effect my performances, in class & on the stage. I've been in my room crying for an hour & a half eating a box of pokie sticks (which Dan bought for the company to share) trying to wrap my head around all of this. I can't understand any of it. I'm tired of it. I want to go home.